Can I Live???

So I was talking to my Right Hand earlier today and like always, we had a really good convo that got me thinking... Why do we as people always worry what others think about us?

Now before you start rolling your eyes talking about "I don't care what people think about me" just hear me out. Whether you like it or not, we are always communicating. Always. Be it through dialogue, our body language, our clothes, our hairstyles, what we do with our lives. Everything projects something to someone. And alot of what we do is based on how we want someone to perceive us, whether you want to admit it or not.

For instance, as kids we all wanted Mommy and Daddy (or whoever raised you) to be proud of us. We wanted them to hang report cards on the refrigerator and keep our certificates on display in the living room like little conversation pieces. But as we got older, their expectations of us increased, some of us slacked and that brings us to the here and now... College. Once you hit the 12th grade, you've got some of everybody asking you what college you're going to and what your major will be. For some people, college is just a dream due to the rising cost of tuition and lack of financial aid. And once you tell someone you're not planning on attending college they get this depressed look in their eyes and they hit you with that dry "Oh." Oh? That's all you have to say? And because we feel like we've let somebody down, we do what we think they would want us to do.

Same thing goes with careers. I never noticed so many people go to school for careers they're not really interested in! I remember my first semester in English, I was talking to this guy about courses we were both taking. He was a Pre-Med major but he hated it. He was always complaining about the studying and the tests so finally I asked him why he hated something he chose to do. He said everybody in his family had been doctors. His Great-Grandfather was a cardiologist, his grandfather was radiologist, his dad was a podiatrist (can I get a spell check on that) and his mom was an anesthesiologist. He said by the time he graduated high school everyone had already planned his future out for him. He was going to be a cardiologist like his great-grandfather, married by 25, with two kids by 33. When he started to run down everything his family had mapped out for him, I felt bad for him. He loved acting and entertaining. Theatre is where his heart truly was but because he didn't want to disappoint his family, he chose Pre-Med.

Unlike ol' boy, my family know of my writing abilities and they've always encouraged me to pursue them. However, when it comes to other things, they're quick to judge. I've never understood why everyone has an opinion when it comes to your life but when it comes to their's, no one has anything to say. Sometimes I feel like my back is against the wall with them and I just want to shout out, "Can I Live?!"

I guess altering ourselves to fit someone else's standards is something we o subconsciously...

Change

Damn, Mo, you changed. That's what a guy I used to talk to said to me in a text message. He asked me what I had been up to lately and I filled him in on everything; the baby, the books, school, the program, the articles. I guess he was flabbergasted or something because there was a long ass pause after I filled him in... So I asked him what he had been up to lately and he said he wasn't in school this semester and he wasn't working. So in my mind, it registered: I'm sitting at home, playing video games, not doing shit. You got the same thing too? Glad we're on the same page.

So I asked him how he thought I'd changed and all he could say was I act different. Umm, can a sista get some clarity? We went on ONE date sometime in early 2010 and that date pretty much changed our entire friendship. IT WAS HORRIBLE! (But that's for another post.) Before our date, we were pretty good friends who spoke on pretty consistent basis but after that one night out, I don't see how we ever got to be friends. He was never interested in the things that meant the most to me (my writing) yet I was at every game he had. I was always concerned about how school was going for him and he didn't even know my major. I really had to take a step back and look at the situation. You're supposed to be my friend and potentially someone who I may be in a relationship with further down the line but you barely know me. After him, I knew it was time for a change.

At 20 years old, I'm not saying I'm completely done with romance but I am completely done with settling. Right now, I've got major accomplishments under my belt but I refuse to celebrate with someone who doesn't even know why or what we're celebrating. Lately, I've been thinking about making a reemergance on the dating scene but FIRST I'd like to have myself together before I start zoning in adding someone else to my life. Even if it is just for a simple lunch date.

Change is supposed to be a good thing and if it's the right kind of change, it can be great. But if your changes have you downgrading, you need to seriously reevaluate some things, hun. My change has been for the betterment of me and my future, as well as the future of my child. I'm building my writing portfolio, I'm puttiing the final touches on Chanae's Angels and I'm already registered for Summer 1 and 2 at school. See, I'm focused man!

I could sit and let his statement irk me or I could laugh and keep doing me... I chose the latter.

Has someone ever told you "You've Changed" simply because you're doing better than ever?